Ocean Astronaut

I packed my clothes, books, and my endeared coffee maker into sepia cardboard boxes. It was about all that was left after a weathered season. My ex-wife and I had finalized our divorce just weeks previous. Something that I never wanted and something I'll share at another time. I was moving an hour eastward down the Gulf Coastline, to Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. There a studio apartment above a two car garage waited for my resign. I could walk the beach, which would seemingly sing for attention, in the evenings.

The future, whatever that meant, looked bright. New city. New friends. New church. I could slowly refasten skin back to the bare bones of my life. I had created a habit, (whether bad or good was unperceived to me) of reclusing for hours in my spare time reading, journaling, pondering for days consecutive. My landlord, (which is true and humorous because he is in his twenties also) lives across the yard with his wife and two Labradors. They both are from Georgia and their luster for life and adventure is infectious.

Matt's career is in realty. Which is the short way of saying it. He constructs, consults, and purchases realty. He's always looking for something new or what he can improve. Matt and Lindsey both have a way of bringing the best out of people. Often they invite me over for dinner or some activity. Which I greatly appreciate.

One night, Matt and I went for a drive to a local surf shop in a nearby community. "So what is it that you want to do?" he asked. "I know you enjoy working where you are now, you're doing some online college, but have you ever thought of the possibilities?" To be honest I had thought about the possibilities. I have many dreams. And they are that dreams.

I had become discouraged with the way life had turned on me. After struggling to save a marriage for 3 years, bending over backwards, selling my own business, moving away to make it work, and having it blow up in my face felt like a failed attempt in diffusing a bomb. I had walked through deep depression. Sleepless nights. Stomach in knots over the stress of it all. It seemed to me this is how life was going to be. A drag with a few sunny days.

Which sounds very pessimistic for a Christian to say. But to be entirely transparent, I experience the abundant life Jesus promised. Time to time. Then something comes along and yanks the rug out from underneath me. I always dream of what I know to be true and have experienced, to become reality that would come and stay. So to hear "have you ever considered the possibilities?" echoed only the overarching question of my life.

Matt elaborated on ideas of a way of life and occupation. "You make it sound like I can actually do ANYTHING I want." "That's because you can." He sounded convinced. Like he actually thought that I could do anything.

I had never been to college. My parents had never been to college. I've worked blue collar jobs. And was pretty convinced myself that my lot in life was humble and not to expect much. I guess you could say my outlook on life has always been pretty apathetic. This is how it is and nothings really gonna change. I'll work hard labor my whole life, get some callouses and head to the flower box when I'm 80 something.

That night we ate deer burgers, drank sweet tea, and looked at an album of when they backpacked through Europe. As we shared stories and sat in the house that Matt built himself, I realized something. I've been given an imagination for a reason. My whole life I have been swimming in an ocean of apathy. And that I don't have to drown if don't want to.

Many of us have dreams and aspirations to go further, do more, and become more. In Christ we are made for more. The creator of the universe created us with creativity. When we imagine what the world can look like or what we can be, we reflect our creator. We are made a certain way for a reason. You like art for a reason. You feel your best when you organize your environment. You feel alive when you play sports for a reason. For years I have shrugged the notion that I might actually  be on to something. What if the things that I'm most interested in are there for a reason?

I don't know what it is I am to be or do. I only know I'm not made to swim in apathy. It's like an astronaut living like a scuba diver. It's possible, but really he's made for space. We are made for something different. We are made to know God. To live for Him. And search His heart for our lives.